Last night, my husband was on a solo trip…

My nervous system was able to relax, even the boys were able to relax. I sat up thinking about my non-negotiables for myself.

Coincidentally, yesterday, I picked up a sticker out of my prize box for my students. I had just gotten some new ones and some kids had already picked some out. Some had fallen on the floor and the first one I picked up said, “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” I immediately stuck it to the back of my phone cover. Then last night I made the lock screen for my phone.

Then I wrote the following:

For the entirety of my current relationship (almost 10 years), I thought love was something you managed.

You watched tone.

You tracked timing.

You learned when to speak and when to stay quiet.

You learned how to be warm without being “too much.”

Somewhere along the way, love became a strategy instead of a place to rest.

Lately, I’ve been reminded of something simpler and far more grounding:

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.

Not chased.

Not earned.

Not negotiated.

Returned.

That reminder didn’t come with fireworks or drama. It came quietly. And in that quiet, I realized I’ve outgrown certain dynamics for good.

So here they are. The non-negotiables I carry with me now.

1. Emotional safety is not optional

I no longer accept connections where I have to stay alert.

If silence feels like punishment, that’s not safety.

If warmth feels temporary or conditional, that’s not safety.

If I’m bracing instead of breathing, something is wrong.

Love should feel steady in the body. Calm doesn’t mean boring. It means secure.

2. Mutual curiosity matters more than intensity

I don’t want to be someone’s emotional anchor or project.

I want curiosity that flows both ways.

Questions without interrogation.

Interest without extraction.

If I’m always holding space but never being met in it, that’s not connection. That’s labor.

3. Being seen for my mind is essential

I’ve spent enough time being valued for how much I can carry.

I need to be seen for my thinking, my humor, my creativity, my voice.

I come alive when someone engages with me, not through me.

If I’m only appreciated for my resilience, I disappear.

4. Consistency beats chemistry

Chemistry can be intoxicating. It can also be misleading.

I no longer confuse intensity with depth.

I no longer confuse longing with compatibility.

What sustains me is presence that doesn’t flicker.

Care that doesn’t require chasing.

Interest that doesn’t vanish when things slow down.

Steady is not dull. Steady is safe.

5. Boundaries should not require justification

I don’t want to explain my limits to be respected.

“No” should not trigger distance.

Space should not threaten connection.

Rest should not cost me closeness.

If my boundaries feel like a problem, the connection is the problem.

6. Love is not a game anymore

This one is the quietest, and the most important.

I don’t strategize affection.

I don’t perform vulnerability.

I don’t measure my worth by response time or attention.

I am allowed to love without strategy.

I am allowed to be loved without fear.

Love is not something I survive anymore.

It’s something I stand inside of.

I don’t know exactly what form the next chapter takes. I don’t need to.

What I do know is this:

I no longer settle for connection that costs me myself.

And that, finally, feels like coming home.