I talked to my first attorney today. It was not the relief I thought I’d feel. In fact, afterward, I started feeling physically ill. Like sore throat, body aches, the whole nine. I was fine before the phone call, but my entire body just gave in afterward.

I have moments where I ask myself if I can just stick this out to avoid conflict, but I know the resounding answer is no. Especially when it comes to the kids.

On Sunday, we drove through a wealthy part of the city. My (current) husband said “you think I’d own one of these if I were single?” I said “umm no probably not knowing your fiscal decisions.” He said “you’re right I’d probably own two.” I calmly replied, “we can certainly test that theory if you want.” He got angry, “what you want to divorce me?!?” I said “you are the one that just claimed you’d be better off without me and I’m not one to hold anyone back .” He said, “I’d at least be more sane!!”

Even for him these felt like uglier than normal comments, but I realized he’s spiraling. Desperately throwing out anything trying to regain control of me and it isn’t working. So he’s getting uglier. I’m responding too coldly, with no emotion and it’s making him lash out.

Gone are the days when he could make me cry. The only time he gets tears is when he makes the boys cry.

I’m so tapped out and just disconnected from him and it actually hurts that I gave him this much of my life.

I asked where the other watch charger went. He said, “Ugh, god, you ask for too much.” My watch charger? That’s too much to ask? Anyway, I wrote a poem afterward that I’ll post later.

In a fun note for any women out there wondering: took my oldest to the swimming pool the other day, the number of men who clocked my lack of a wedding ring and wanted to talk to me was crazy. Don’t ever let a narcissist convince you they’re the only one who wants you or that he’s the best you’ll do. It’s a damn lie.