A few days ago, he tried to convince me he was having an affair. Again, whether he is or isn’t, I don’t give a shit. I wish he would just commit to leaving if that was the case. Regardless of that, he wanted me to act jealous, and when I didn’t, he got pissed that I wasn’t jealous. This proved to him that I don’t love him. Well… yeah…obviously.

A few days later, he came back with, Maybe I just wish you would love me. I said, “Maybe I wish for the same thing, but realize a few months ago all the words you said about treating me better and being a better husband were just to keep me from leaving you. Maybe I’m realizing that you think you’re safe, so you can continue acting like an asshole to me.” He said “NO! How dare you think that way! Don’t think that way,” I said, “you cannot tell me how to think or feel. That is what I think based on all the evidence you’ve provided me.” He dropped the subject completely.

I have been very sick the past few days, and now the kids are sick too. Fever, crippling cough, the whole 9 yards. I have needed him to help out. Yesterday, he took my oldest to a birthday party. When he came home, he gestured at the living room like he couldn’t believe how messy the house was. Meanwhile, I can barely walk 2 feet without having a coughing fit. I said, “You can’t be for real. I’m sick!” and then he gestured again to the living room and shook his head. I lost it. “God, I hate when you do this shit. It’s like I can’t even be sick.” To which he replied, “Oh, calm down, I’m just kidding. But I knew you hated me, you just said it.” I said, “I hate when you do shit like this,” and he said, “Yup, same thing.” The gaslighting and word-twisting never ends.

I had a dream last night and the pieces I can recall are as follows:

I am in some kind of office building/shopping mall/ something with concrete and windows. A leak starts to happen and then turns into full-blown flooding. They start to lock down parts of the building to prevent further damage from this flooding. However, it traps some people, and they can’t get out. I find an exit that hasn’t been locked down and I get outside. I’m so excited to be outside and that I get to go home to my kids. Well, I keep running into the building trying to help more people find the exit. At one point, I realize I’m going to get stuck inside if I keep going in to rescue people. If that isn’t a metaphor for my entire existence, I don’t know what is. I realize I’ve spent so much time trying to help him and “fix” him that I’m getting stuck and can’t get out.

I finally reached out to a friend, with the encouragement of my therapist, to tell him what was going on in my life. I wanted to be honest about my situation, so I’m grounded in reality when the gaslighting starts and don’t get sucked back into the “maybe I’m the problem” loop that I’ve gotten trapped in so many times.

This feels like kind of a brain dump from the last few days, and it kind of is. Again, sickness has plagued this house, and dealing with illness and a narc is about as draining as it comes.