After I wrote about not apologizing anymore, I thought of some of the most insane moments of this relationship. It was pre-kids, while we were living together.

I remember one of our many fights, probably over nothing. I was probably joking with him, and he got so incredibly angry. This happened often. Things I would say or do with anyone else with little to no reaction, would turn into him making me feel like the epitome of evil.

I remember crying and begging him to forgive me. I remember saying I needed to be medicated and see a therapist because it was clearly me who had the problem. A problem I had never had before him. Mental illness, I had never had until I met him. It was always my fault. I was always the problem.

I realize now how fucked up it was that I felt this way. No one had ever made me feel like I was utterly insane. That I was just a terrible person, until he and I started dating.

This morning I was sitting and working on homework. I looked up and he was standing and staring at me. I said, “Can I help you?” and he replied, “Hey, what did I say about you being nice to me?” I laughed because what the actual fuck? He says, “No, really, what did I say about being nice to me?” I couldn’t even mask anymore, I just said, “I don’t know, but you aren’t starting off well, treating me like a child. You might want to start over.”

I don’t think I’m going to last as long as I believed before I file for divorce. I can’t tolerate it anymore. My oldest called him out last night too, told him he wasn’t very kind sometimes. Of course he blamed me for “putting that in his head.” Truly, my son is pretty intuitive and can make his own conclusions.