I have spent the last 9 years walking on eggshells, ensuring I didn’t upset my husband. Making sure he wouldn’t leave me. I remember the first time this happened. We were engaged, and I was begging him for forgiveness, even though he was the one acting irrationally.

This isn’t about revenge, it’s about freedom and autonomy.

Narcissists love to position themselves as the sun that everyone must revolve around. They manipulate, love-bomb, gaslight, withdraw emotionally, and control financially. I have been a victim of all of these things. In fact, as I sit here writing this, he is in the kitchen talking about how terrible the cake I made is. The first cake I have baked in literal years. See my first post about my loss of self; this was a massive step for me a few days ago. As he belittled me, I said, instead of feeding into it, “Then don’t eat any of it and bake your own cake.” He immediately shut up, and I can see him eating a piece of cake right now. He knows I’m getting myself back.

I think back to the first time I should have run. An incident that caused us to break up. He didn’t want to go with me to a party with my friends. I was excited for him to meet my friends, and he kept refusing, saying he only wanted to hang out with me if we stayed home. Eventually, this led to a fight and him breaking up with me, and I went out with my friends. This was also the night I ended up calling the best ex a woman could ask for. The next morning, he came and nursed my hangover and drove me to get my car. I should have let the narc go then, but I didn’t. I let the wrong man go and kept the man who has broken me.

I should have seen this as his desire to control me. His need to make him the center of my world, by separating me from my friends. I didn’t see it until it was too late, like married with 2 children too late.

I’ve started connecting my internal compass. I remember things I love and try to reconnect with old friends I have pushed away because of him. I know this is the first step to getting clarity and getting out. I have been finding joy in writing again. And thank you all for reading this and making me feel heard after 9 years of feeling like a shell of a person with no original thoughts or ideas. It’s nice to feel seen again.

And yes… my title is a nod to the song “Opalite,” because while the album is about being in love and happy and I’m the furthest from that, it reminds me that I deserve to feel that kind of joy and love. It reminds me that it shouldn’t feel this way. It reminds me that yes, sometimes you need to make your own sunshine in the darkest parts of your life. I will feel joy again, and I will reclaim my life.