Why am I still married? Well, as of right now, I make more money than he does. I worry he will try to get alimony or at least try to make the divorce as expensive as possible for me, just to make my life harder. And let’s be clear, as a mom of two boys, I don’t make a significant amount, but he’s torpedoed his business, quite possibly on purpose, for this very reason.

So did he cheat? Maybe. I have no hard evidence, just my gut feeling. I wish I could catch him, though, to make leaving all the easier and divorce easier.

Years ago, he worked for a company that had an employee with whom he worked closely. She is married with a child. At some point, she was accused of sleeping with the boss, and it was all a rumor, so I’ve been told, and it really humiliated her. Well, my husband would talk to this woman on the phone in the mornings before work, apparently helping brainstorm some crisis. He always worked late, but he said it was with his boss. I was never so sure. Once I asked about her, I told him my fears. He exploded. “How could I ever think that poorly of him? Why would I ever say that knowing how much that accusation has hurt her in the past??” and my favorite “Do you really think I would do that and ruin my family?” Then, no. Now, I think he’s confident that he would and think he would get away with it.

Fast forward a couple of years. I work with a gay man who desperately tries to be my friend, but truth be told, he irritated me and was terrible at his job, which annoyed me even more. He would send me messages on Facebook and send me memes at all hours of the night. Again, an openly gay man. Every time he sent me a message, I would show my husband, “Oh, here comes my ‘bestie’ again.” One night, he blew up yet again, “Are you cheating with him???? He talks to you all the time!” Note, at this point, I had just had a baby about 18 months prior, and worked and came home. I told him that was absolutely ridiculous, but he continued on his tirade. I literally had to go downstairs to my office to get away from him, because I couldn’t believe how belittling and mean he was being. I shut myself in my office, and he held my 18-month-old, so I couldn’t take him with me. I went anyway. He then comes downstairs, with my 18-month-old in tow, asking him, the baby, “What’s wrong with mommy?” and then tells me to “stop crying because I’m scaring him.” I couldn’t believe it. This should have been when I left, but as a first time mom I was scared and confused and this was not how I wanted my life to turn out. first-time mom, I was scared and confused.

Fast forward to more recently, he has two female employees. One night, they do “happy hour” at his office. He comes home wasted at 12am… It was just him and these two women drinking in his office. Presumably two, but it might have just been the one with whom he’s cheating now. I asked to see his messages between he and this woman once, he showed me. He only showed me the actual text messages. I know he uses “WhatsApp” for “Work” sometimes, which I find questionable.

At this point, I hope he’s cheating. I hope he slips up, and I hope I can end this all much easier. I love his family, and they are a huge support to the kids, so I fear losing them if I divorce strictly on emotional abuse. They probably won’t believe me because he’ll manipulate that narrative. If he cheats, at least he can’t weave that into what he wants.