It’s not always bad. Sometimes we have moments of connection and laughter. But then I’m reminded who I am married to, and it all comes crashing down. I think that’s why I ignored so many of the red flags and never left, even though I knew in my gut I should. Even on our wedding day, I knew.

I remember after the ceremony, they gave us time to just be alone. We sat in a room, and I was ignored because he was constantly checking his phone, waiting for his friend to find parking. He was more concerned with his friend, whom I’d never met, making it to our reception. He did not say one kind word to me. He did not speak to me. The reception was fun though and the next day we had a fun day together so I let it go.

This has been the story of our relationship. The rollercoaster of good times and terrible times. I then gaslight myself into thinking he’s just having a bad day, or week, or month and moving on with my life.

Now we have kids, and I see the same patterns. Times when he is an excellent dad and times when he is just awful. It breaks my heart and makes it hard to leave. My oldest will cry for him when he works late and talks about how much he loves his dad. What would happen if we were separated? I wonder if waiting until they are a little older would make it better or worse? Would they understand? Can I wait that long?

Do I continue being a shell of myself until I can make a break? Some people on the internet have suggested just decentralizing him from my life and staying in it. I feel like I have done that. I also feel like he senses that and is trying to pull me back in. He said the other night, “he misses being my friend and spending time with me.” Truly, it translates into “I miss when you were easily manipulated by me.” If he truly missed being my friend, if he truly loved me and thought highly of me, I wouldn’t have been up at 4:45 with a toddler, even though I’m incredibly sick and he knows it. Although he did say, “You’re not sick,” the other day. Which he later claimed he did not say.

Needless to say, I’m exhausted. I’m not sure how much more acting I can do. I’m not sure how much more of the rollercoaster I can handle. I’m worn out. But he is someone I once loved and sometimes still do. And that makes it that much more difficult.