Like I’ve said, I’m in it for the long game. I need to prepare myself and finances first. I’m also quietly reclaiming myself. I don’t think he has noticed, but a narcissist wouldn’t comment on it if he did.
I’ve been actually getting ready for work, wearing make-up, wearing jewlery, doing my hair. I used to do this all the time, but I’m realizing I’ve been in a state of depression and a state of survival for so long that I had stopped. It’s amazing how much better I feel.
I’ve been reading books and going on walks. It’s also feeling freeing. Even writing. Even if it is about him and the shit he’s put me through over the past several years. It’s another way I can quietly reclaim my power. I can tell it is getting to him. He asks me questions and tries to take up my time by giving me tasks. I refuse to acknowledge them. I give him simplified answers and either ignore the meaningless tasks he requests of me or tell him no, or I just ignore him. I think he realizes I’m taking back my power.
We were recently in the love-bombing portion of the narcissistic cycle. He’s moved past that, though, once he thought I wasn’t planning on leaving after his royal mess-up. Little does he know it’s the long game and I’m a great actress.
When things aren’t unbearable, I don’t have to act. I did love him after all, and he can be funny and kind, but then the manipulation, gaslighting, and cruel remarks start, and I remember why I don’t love him anymore. Not truly. Not like I once did. When he was love-bombing and I called him out on past behavior, he would own it and apologize. Now we are back to the same old. I told him he was trying to manipulate me the other day. I said it reminded me of my former roommate’s ex, who would text me lies about her, so I would kick her out. He only heard “ex,” a forbidden word in our house. He will never let me mention a funny story about an ex-boyfriend without flying into a jealous rage. He heard that word and demanded an apology for “taking it too far” and “comparing him to someone else.” I apologized, knowing I didn’t mean it, but knowing he would torpedo our entire day, including the kids, if I didn’t.
He has always tried to pick fights, and I used to feed into it. He loves to do it in front of the kids, too. It makes me feel upset, and I cry. He tells me, “I’m scaring the kids.” I’m out of tears, though. I just ignore him when he says stupid shit and tries to get me to fight him. I refuse. I’ll keep the peace…for now.
I’m not heartless. I know this narcissistic behavior is due to past trauma. I know that. I have begged him to go to talk therapy. He refuses. He says it won’t help. If he doesn’t want help, I cannot force it. I can only do what’s best for me and my kids. This inevitably means leaving. Eventually.
I am determined, though, to get myself and the kids in a better position for leaving. I make the majority of the money right now, but I have a lot of debt I’d like under control. Part of reclaiming myself is reclaiming my financial independence. If you are connecting to my story and want to help, please click the button below.
Her Quiet Escape 