It didn’t start making sense to me until recently, when I truly started self-reflecting on my entire relationship. The number of things he has told me so poignantly to successfully trash my confidence and take away who I am as a person.

When I was in my 20s, I really found my passion for cooking and baking. Baking was definitely stronger for me, but I was also a damn good cook. I enjoyed cooking and trying new recipes. I have lived with three different boyfriends, one of whom was my (current) husband. The other two loved my cooking. They talked about it often and told me everything I made was excellent. Friends and family loved my baking even more. People even paid me to make cakes and cupcakes for their events.

When I started dating my current husband, I invited him over for dinner a few times. He either would eat the food and say absolutely nothing or eat some of it and make snide comments like “it’s ok, but it’s not my favorite.” When I would bake, he would eat it and say literally nothing. I started second-guessing myself and eventually just stopped baking and cooking. It took years of his undermining or not acknowledging my ability, but it worked. I thought I no longer had talent.

I am also a very crafty person. I would refinish furniture, make home decor, and wreaths. I’m also a writer with several things published. I’m not an amateur either; I’ve enjoyed writing and crafting my entire life since I was a kid. A few years ago, I realized I had just stopped writing. I kept attributing it to having kids and not having time. I quickly realized, every once in a while, my husband will make the comment, “You’re just not very creative,” or make it sound like something we have in common, “we’re just not very creative people.” At first, this would enrage me, but then again, I started second-guessing everything I thought I knew about myself. I just stopped all of my creative pursuits until recently.

I used to read a lot, and I also felt like that was due to having kids. Then I remembered when I told my husband I didn’t want to watch TV with him, he got angry. Not because he wanted to spend time with me, but because he didn’t want me to have my own mind and life.

Last summer, I discovered my love of doing puzzles. When the kids were napping or were occupied doing something else, I’d work on my puzzle in the kitchen. This would irritate my husband so bad. I asked him why. He literally couldn’t come up with an answer. I think I just came up with one for him. It made me happy, it allowed me to have a hobby. It gave me a piece of my personality back. That’s the worst news for a narcissist, it makes them feel like they’re losing control. Little did I know, he was and still is losing control.

He has never called me “Beautiful” or “pretty.” Not even on our wedding day. He says, “he’s just not that type of guy.” But again, it’s intentional. It’s meant to keep me in line and second-guessing myself. I am frankly in shock at how I have completely lost my sense of self and how one man took that from me.

He knows he’s losing control still, so things are great right now. He’s so kind and accepting. I’ve seen the man behind the mirror, though, and I cannot go back to feeling the same way. I’m pulling out all my acting skills to keep the peace for now. I risk it all to write because it honestly helps me. I also need to write to try to help any of you before you reach that 9 year mark and realize how fucked up everything is.