When he started messaging me, something felt fake. He always says I was playing hard to get, but my instincts were telling me that this was not the real man on the other side of the messages.

After getting my heart broken by who I would venture to guess was my soulmate/ love of my life, I finally gave in. I decided to meet up with the man who was telling me everything he knew I wanted to hear. We agreed to meet at a bar. He wanted to pick me up, and I declined, because I wasn’t new to the online dating scene I wasn’t getting the car with a strange man. I got to the bar before him and again not new to this, I’m used to people arriving late so I grabbed a drink and waited.

When he arrived, we had a nice time. I would not say it was the best first date, but he seemed like such a great guy. He seemed like a grown-up who had his life together and cared fiercely for the people in his circle. I gave him a second date, and then a third. The third should have been the red flag that ended it there. After our third date, he kept aggressively kissing me and wanting to come into my apartment. I told him “no and that I wanted to take things slow.” We had been drinking, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. The next morning, we met for coffee, and he seemed cold and distant and agreed we needed to slow down. I now know that as the master-level manipulation I have become so accustomed to.

This was the cycle of our dating life. He would love bomb the shit out of me, then get cold and distant. Or he would break up with me. I had never had a relationship this tumultuous; somehow, he had gotten into my once confident brain and convinced me this was love. At one point, he broke up with me and I ended up calling my ex (you know, Mr. Soulmate) and we really considered getting back together. Then Mr. Narc came back into the picture. He was the picture of the adult I thought I wanted. Successful and educated. I was worried about my ex’s drinking and thought Mr. Narc was the stability I wanted. So this time, I walked away from Mr. Soulmate and it is still one of my biggest regrets. And boy was I wrong.

Time went on with Mr. Narc. He would never spend the night at my apartment. He would freak out and leave my house sometimes, saying, “I didn’t deserve what he was doing to me.” Then we decided to live together. Things were fine. Shortly after, the loving gestures stopped. His drinking increased as did our fights. I attributed it to his never living with anyone other than family before. I remember him yelling at me when I asked him why he threw my very expensive soap away. He told me I was ungrateful that he had cleaned the bathroom and would never clean again if that’s how I would act. I remember crying. I remember many a fight like this, where he would then give me the silent treatment, and I would be begging for forgiveness. I had three serious boyfriends before him, and not once had I fought with any of them. The breakups were with kindness and no contempt. I had never been treated by anyone like this before. But with all the gaslighting and manipulation, I was left feeling like all this was normal, and it was my fault. Everyone in my social circle loved him. My mom loved him. Now I realize that was all part of the plan.

We got engaged in. He wanted to get married the following year. Again, I now realize this was part of the plan to keep me trapped. We got married and had our first son a year later. That’s when things got terrible. He accused me of cheating on him with a gay man I worked with. At one point, I was tired and frustrated with having to do everything for our infant, and I said something. He then tried to prevent me from taking the baby from the bed, and out of pure rage, I bit his hand that was blocking me from picking up my son. He was so angry and belittled me. Told me I was not the woman he thought I was. Then, magically, when my son was 2, he got better. Things got better. I felt peace. I thought maybe it was the stress of having a baby. Then we had our second baby.

Things weren’t nearly as bad as when we had our first, but they weren’t great. The drinking, the gaslighting, and being the victim were all still there. It was worse when he drank. He would say, “I’m not that bad, at least I don’t hit you.” I started recording our conversations during this time. He would twist my words and make me feel crazy.

Recently, I found out he had been keeping a financial secret. Cue the groveling and the love-bombing. This time, it gave me clarity. All the pieces started clicking. Now I’m prepared to get out. However, I need to play the long game in order to be financially secure before I file for divorce. I need to make sure I can pay legal fees and keep myself and our kids in a good position in our home.

I feel so stupid that this has gone on as long as it has. I feel ridiculous that I have completely stripped myself of who I used to be as a person over the years because of his mental games. However, I know I’ll become stronger and ready to help other women in this position.